Dead Tech Road
I keep watch to my left as we travel down 8th Street "Parkway". They used to call this place Dead Tech Road. I wonder why. Is it because no techs come back from it or we're supposed to be seeing tech's bodies?
As if on cue, Malibu freaks out as she finds a dead body. We all look to the poor soul, tied to his office chair. Kane walks up to him. I have to reel from the smell of his rotting corpse. "Aw, man." I cough, "Is it one of ours?"
"Naw," Kane says, leaning forward, "It's from Super-Fast Software."
He points to the burned named tag on his shirt. "Our rival company." Moxie mentions.
Kane then kneels to the corpse's feet and picks up a piece of paper. He looks it over. "It's the Super-Fast Software Employee Handbook."
"That's a pamphlet. "I point out.
Kane begins to read it.
2005 Employee Handbook :
Dress Code:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, therefore you do not need a raise.If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Bereavement Leave:This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead-friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Restroom use:Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stalldoor will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted onthe company bulletin board under the "ChronicOffenders" category.
Lunch Break:Skinny people will get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fatpeople get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our great Company . We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
"Dear God, " Iron Lung gags, "No wonder no one likes working for them."
Kane tosses the paper aside. "Let's get on with our mission. It'll be dark soon, and I don't want to be out in the open with the Tax Gestapo's come out."
We proceed down 8th Parkway, keeping an eye on everything.
As if on cue, Malibu freaks out as she finds a dead body. We all look to the poor soul, tied to his office chair. Kane walks up to him. I have to reel from the smell of his rotting corpse. "Aw, man." I cough, "Is it one of ours?"
"Naw," Kane says, leaning forward, "It's from Super-Fast Software."
He points to the burned named tag on his shirt. "Our rival company." Moxie mentions.
Kane then kneels to the corpse's feet and picks up a piece of paper. He looks it over. "It's the Super-Fast Software Employee Handbook."
"That's a pamphlet. "I point out.
Kane begins to read it.
2005 Employee Handbook :
Dress Code:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, therefore you do not need a raise.If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Bereavement Leave:This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead-friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Restroom use:Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stalldoor will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted onthe company bulletin board under the "ChronicOffenders" category.
Lunch Break:Skinny people will get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fatpeople get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our great Company . We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
"Dear God, " Iron Lung gags, "No wonder no one likes working for them."
Kane tosses the paper aside. "Let's get on with our mission. It'll be dark soon, and I don't want to be out in the open with the Tax Gestapo's come out."
We proceed down 8th Parkway, keeping an eye on everything.
posted by Jason at 4:39 PM
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